Cas writes: Farewell to Emma

The rain calms down a bit outside but inside of my daughter's heart it continues.

Emma, the dwarf rodent was gone and needed to be buried.

For the first time in almost 3 years I had it in my hands. I always want to do that - hold it - but my fear of a bite was bigger. For a hamster she was old, a senior already still a tiny hamster and the Silva's pet number 3. Actually my daughter's pet who bought it with her own allowance and so many prayers.

I don't like rats, guinea pigs and hamsters. Neither was my choice to buy a rodent with two cats in our home. But I loved Emma our tinniest pet .. .and a promise is a promise. Mine was that Tuca can have a hamster when we moved to a house. And there she came with a silent wheel and a minuscule home inside the cage. The cats were curious and our dogs were surprised by little Emma, who always wake up in the middle of night and starts to run in her wheel. Seeing it was always a funny thing!

My daughter wrapped Emma with a page of newspaper waiting for her father to dig deep on the ground. The umbrella cannot hold the drops of rain in our backs.

The cage needed to be clean and Emma needs fresh food. She had been outside so many times, but yesterday she got overheated. Because she was a 'senior hamster'' she didn't resist the thermal shock or drink too much water or was her time to die. Who knows?

I said 'goodbye to Emma', not very sure what to do to not upset more my Tuca. The mosquitoes were biting us and the burial was done.

My heart is broken for my daughter. I sense the acute pain right way in her voice: 'was my fault mom!' As a mother I need to say was not, and I did. Emma was old and I hugged my Tuca trying to console her.

On next day we waked up with sadness and I started to remember all my losses. What a connection between my rodent and my dear ones !Actually was the 'feeling' that I couldn't take the pain away from my daughter (long ago from my mom and siblings) and doesn't matter what I do, she will feel hurt in the end of the day. Each of us handle losses and recovery in our unique way. This time will be nothing different.

But the 'old guilty' that tries to make me responsible for other people's feelings is here... the fear too. If I let the insecurity will came. It will install inside me and I'll be the one running fast... without a silent wheel.

How to win in our losses? That was the question on my CD through the familiar voice...
I was thinking about the 'real' losses in my past that sometimes talks to me as a ghost in my heart . Then I heard my God saying to me through Paul's letters 'That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.' (Romans 8:28 - The Message) - and brought me a new light again above the circumstances of my life - to the tiny ones too.

I don't know why these kind of things happens but one thing I know: the continuous suffering about it is not the answer... ever. As a good writer said 'That's why it is so important to continue to have faith and trust in God in the very midst of trials and tribulation.' *

I was blowing her hair but instead I want to blow away all the pain memories of her heart and say "The disbelieving will be gone some time... just wait."

How fast we can go to the 'dark place of fears' if we just look the natural world... How hard is to look beyond the normal stuff of life... How amazing is the decision we make to rest in God's hands when 'good and bad things' happens... all the time with all people!

'Tuca how was your day at school, are you still sad ?

Yes mommy, a little bit.'

Let's grieve our little, tiny, sweet Emma and move on.