the feeling of being liberated of yourself

I'm not a person who likes change. And any change in my routine leaves me lost, so I love writing in my diaries and organize my days and weeks. Having a daily routine has always given me stability and motivation. No, I do not deal well with changes in general. However, I never had problems in making changes in my hair. Cut my hair has been an adventure which I always liked and it was never difficult for me. I did a bit of everything in my hair, and among many changes, I cut them short and also did a perm. But I had never shaved my hair. Not until now.

I would have cut my hair drastically when I lost my brother in order to show the world all my despair and disgust for life that seemed so ugly and unfair at the time. But I do not cut them. I was afraid of revealing too much of myself and draw attention to me than my brother. I ended up living the mourning for him in another way for many years. Looking back I should have shaved my hair and put all the pain I felt out instead of internalizing the feelings inside me. 

I cut my hair very short after I have married a man who loves me beyond my appearance and problems. We were going to the same barber monthly. Yes, a barber. After a while, I let my hair to stay long, then cut again. The phases of humor which we passed during the growth of our hair are really impressive.

I did perm in my hair once in a lifetime and to this day I do not know what I had in my mind to do such a thing. At 13, I had a horrible mullet which I cannot stand to see a photo until today. A medium bob is my husband's favorite look for me and for my daughter would be any haircut that does not make me look like a teenager (whatever that means). My favorite haircut of all time: the bob of V. Beckman with blonde highlights I had for a few years. But the most beautiful haircut will always be a long straight hair with bangs that I once had. Unfortunately, it did not last long as it was prior to flat ironing appears in my life.

How about coloring my hair? I always considered myself a true brunette and never had the slightest desire to be blonde (probably, it makes me be part of only 5% of Brazilian women. Oh well ...). I had no fear of being a redhead in my teens, coloring my hair in black onyx in my twenties, or make a caramel ombre in my forties.

My gray hair began to appear without warning when I was 21. At that time it was enough to pluck any gray hair that I found. After many years and although I liked to color my hair, I started having to color my roots more frequently. It turn to be a monthly necessity 16 years ago: the need to carefully color my hair every 30 days, period. Through the years, the dark brown color of my hair started to come from a bottle every twenty days. Of course, I had Sally's customer card and diligently scheduled appointments with my wonderful hairstylist. I did not allow me to have gray hair but sometimes I wonder which color it would become if I quit to color it. Definitely not.

The last time I cut my hair very, very short was 8 years ago to survived the humid Summer while working as a engineer of a steam train. And it paid off. I wanted to shave my hair once to pay tribute to a dear friend who had to shave hers due to illness. But I learned that I could honor her in another way. That comes to my mind when earlier this year my mother learned she has cancer and that probably she would lose all her hair due to chemotherapy. Mom decided to cut it extremely short in the case of her hair come to fall. Her hair did not fall and I did not shaved my hair.

I survived two Summers so far this year (Florida and São Paulo Summers are tough!) using a ponytail while caring for my mother. I did not have much time and courage to color my hair often as I liked, even if my gray hair were screaming and demanding to be colored.

When I returned home I did my roots while I looked helplessly into the mirror knowing that I would have to do the same thing in about 10-12 days later. I decided to repress my thoughts. After 2 weeks I glimpsed my grays and reminded myself that I needed to visit Sally's or scheduled an appointment with my hairstylist. Two inches of gray hair and 1week later I was avoiding all mirrors at home.

At the point my hair was on my shoulders in order to get long again. The only thing that was on my way to reach my ultimate goal was my gray hair. I was tired of all my efforts to color it every 15 days at minimum. It was a ridiculous waste of time and money, not to mention my frustration at seeing new baby 'gray' hair growing on my forehead.

Then a week ago talking to a dear friend she remembered an author of a blog that started making cleaning products at home as I do. The author also loves to sew and my friend mentioned that she quit coloring her hair looking for more natural ways to deal with her gray hair. I learned she had shaved her head and let the hair grow naturally silver over a year and a half and made a video about it. Maybe I would like to exchange recipes for cleaning products, sewing tips and gray hair? I was curious enough to read her entire blog in one night.

After a day searching tips of how to care for gray (actually it is called 'silver' hair as gray has a bad connotation) hair as well choosing a haircut, I concluded that I had two options: stop coloring my hair and let it grow in two-tones (white root with dark brown tips) or, shave my head and let it grow the way it is. So after presenting the video for my hubby and Tuca, I contacted my close cousins to be online with me while I shave my locks. I chose a theme song and also prepared the camera. The results you can watch here soon.

It was the best thing I did. Without any regrets. And my intent to have a long hair will be completed in about two years.

Change is good. Choose to change is better.